Accidental Bystander to Cheater in Action, What’s the Etiquette?

A commenter needs your help. Her cry can be found on another post but, honestly, it’s too good to let it get buried in last week’s news.

Question on this topic. A recent observation…saw a cheater recently – at a well known, third story bar – definitely not with their spouse. Friend level is not best friend but in the circle. Cheater did not see me as I was completely embarrassed and we left and they were completely not coherent. Do I tell the spouse? Do I take a picture with my camera phone and email it? Should I have confronted the cheater and his date? I can’t stop thinking about it but honestly don’t know what to do and I feel horrible about the whole thing.

By Merritt Patterson May. 10, 2010 | 4:09 pm | 15 Comments | Comments RSS
15 comments to "Accidental Bystander to Cheater in Action, What's the Etiquette? "
  1. Kmom @ May 10, 2010 at 5:44 pm
    They do shoot the messenger. unless you are truly BFF’s pretend it didn’t happen. I would have walked right up and talked to him, and introduced myself to his date saying “his wife Sally and I are close friends”. And watched them squirm. Or not squirm, whatever, I would have let him know he was seen. Usually the wife knows anyway, even if she’s in the lying to herself stage.

  2. Tr @ May 10, 2010 at 6:26 pm
    Did he want to get caught?

  3. Elin Nordegren @ May 10, 2010 at 6:52 pm
    My first husband cheated on me and our friends knew. At one point they sat me down and asked me if wanted to know something about him that everyone was talking about. Of course I said yes but I also knew at that moment that my little suspicions added up and he and this heiffer from work were having an affair. I wasn’t lying to myself though – I had a two and a four-year-old and wasn’t thinking that him cheating was even a possibility.

    I like Kmom’s approach. Introduce yourself and leave it at that. You never know if they’re really just friends or something more. I have male business friends I’ll have drinks with but that sure as heck doesn’t mean we’re having an affair.

  4. MK @ May 10, 2010 at 10:19 pm
    ITA that as the messenger, you’ll be facing the firing squad. I do like Kmom’s suggestion, although by making your presence known, your sighting is “on the record” and you are in official possession of knowledge you didn’t really want. I was in a situation like this many years ago and kept my mouth shut. The couple divorced a year later and I’m glad I wasn’t the one to have instigated it.

  5. matt @ May 10, 2010 at 10:33 pm
    That was my sister. We open mouth kiss in my family all of the time. And who among you hasn’t cupped a familial boob on occasion?

  6. no win situation @ May 11, 2010 at 8:21 am
    If you deliver the message, they break-up and they get back together you will be hated by both. It’s a no win situation. some of our most well know businessmen in Dallas risk it all the time by going to well known bars with “not their spoouse” . just walk on by.

  7. AD @ May 11, 2010 at 8:24 am
    I’m confused. Is cheating being defined as having a drink with a member of the opposite sex (assuming they’re not gay)? What am I missing from this story? Does this mean friends that are of the opposite sex can’t have a drink together without it being considered cheating?

  8. This just happened... @ May 11, 2010 at 9:55 am
    To clarify – this was not just having a drink with the opposite sex. This was sitting closely, hand/arm on thigh, close intimate giggling/talking, kissing…totally oblivious to the world around them. After I have emotionally dissected this – I am now hung up on the health risks. Can this cheater be trusted to cheat safely? When it happened – in the moment – I had nowhere near the poise to say hello. I had the “flight” reaction. Maybe next time (I hope never again)I would be prepared to handle it better.

  9. kmom @ May 11, 2010 at 11:14 am
    If you know the woman’s email addy, go to the library, sign up for an anonymous hotmail or gmail email account and email her your story. If you can’t do it without her knowing it’s you – DONT DO IT. It will bite you on the a$$, guaranteed.

  10. matt @ May 11, 2010 at 11:52 am
    Beloved kmom, you can sign up for a hotmail/gmail account from the comfort of your own home. Excuse me, my rotary phone is ringing and I left some clothes out on the line.

  11. Kmom @ May 11, 2010 at 12:19 pm
    You never know who’s sophisticated enough to look up IP addresses – that’s how they knew the nutjob that highjacked the Bradfied yearbook was posting under various names responding to her own post, wasn’t it? I was just saying, if you want to insure your anonymity don’t use your own computer. It seems not saying anything is driving this woman crazy, if she can’t stop thinking about it, but wants to make darn sure she can’t be identified, I say my idea works. I’m not that dang old Mr. Matt, you young whippersnapper.

  12. A Kindness @ May 11, 2010 at 3:35 pm
    It’s hard to have the gumption and presence of mind to snap a picture, but even a brave wife who wants to be open-eyed may have a hard time processing and believing a verbal description. Deceptive spouses go out of their way to sow confusion! A picture helps a partner understand (and remember!) at a gut level. It is kind of you to consider helping this woman develop greater awareness.

  13. AD @ May 12, 2010 at 4:16 pm
    @This just happened.

    Ok that clears it up. I accept that it’s wrong to cheat but this guy compounds it by being stupid. “Well known third story bar.” Gee, I wonder where that could be. It’s almost like he wants to get caught or he has half a brain.

  14. wife @ May 19, 2010 at 12:07 pm
    A friend who worked at Neimans said cheating husbands were the largest customers of NP 3rd floor jewelry. Also, they were why the Mansion historically did not allow cameras in the dining room.

  15. Amazed @ May 27, 2010 at 10:43 pm
    Oh my oh my! Are y’all actually admitting that cheating exists in this holier than thou ‘city’, or Parkies’community? Aren’t you all the ones that smile every Sunday mass and acting like Stepford Wives 2010? Is this truly a shock? Couples have one-nighters, flings and long term affairs. Is this news? The stupid ones get caught.

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